Drunk As An Amazon
by MrManiac
Summary: This is the answer to Adrian Tullberg´s challenge to make BM or WW so wasted that the other one has to take himher home, and unexpected things are said, etc. My very personal take on the idea. Batman finds Wonder Woman in a bar and...


_First: I do not own Batman or Wonder Woman. They belong to DC Comics._

_This is the answer to Adrian Tullberg´s challenge to make BM or WW so wasted that the other one has to take them home.. etc._

_Hope you enjoy it.- MrManiac._

_PD: Don´t let young children read this! _

**DRUNK AS AN AMAZON**

A dark night.

The lights of the streets of Gotham blinked in the blackness. There the Bat watched down. He was focusing on a bar across (and nineteen floors down, thank you) the street.

Inside, Rocco Granatta, a mob informant was hiding for sure. So had said Batman´s own informant. That time Granatta would not get away. The caped crusader jumped into the air and made a silent descent towards the bar.

A dark knight.

- - -

The bar was called "Pen- De – Ho" and had a Mexican owner, Juanito Sombrerote.

Batman entered the place and was not ready for what he encountered there.

It was a total disaster.

Somebody had kicked the heck out of at least forty thugs. One of them, tied to the ventilator by his wrists (and very, very, unconscious), was Rocco Granatta. The bar was silent. Everyone in them had their "lights" out.

What had happened? Even Batman with his detective skills was having trouble with this case.

Then he heard a voice talking to the bartender. And someone mumbling. He recognized Juanito´s scared tone. It was the other voice that made him raise an eyebrow.

It was Wonder Woman, sitting at the bar and yelling things to poor Juanito, who kept serving her whatever she wanted.

"… and make it double, you stupid bastard!"

"Sí , Señorita, como usted ordene".

"Doncha talk! Just do! And fast!"

Juanito turned to grab some bottle under the table.

"Gñañalslñañañañslañaña" Wonder Woman said.

Batman approached quietly. She didn´t notice him until he was standing at her side.

"Diana".

"WHO THE F#CK?" Wonder Woman yelled in alert punching Bruce on the stomach and sending him flying against the pool table. Batman hit the floor badly but Diana did not see him do that.

"Whozzat?" Diana snorted.

Batman stood up in a stoic way and walked back to the place where Diana was sitting.

"Wonder Woman it´s me."

"Who´s ´me´?"

"Batman."

"Me am Batman?"

"No. I´m Batman."

"Fuzz. Then… -crap, this stuff is good- then… who me am? Yes."

Batman scratched his head. This was something really, really strange. Wonder Woman was a super powered Amazon, pure and divine. She had the strength of a goddess, the wisdom of an oracle the… and such level of alcohol in her body as oil fills a refinery.

Diana herself made Bruce come back to earth.

"HEY! Answer me, you damn Rat… Rat… - snort- Ratman!"

Bruce was about to answer when she grabbed him by the neck and hugged him really hard. Bruce felt how his ribs almost made pastrami his internal organs.

"Bane 2" he thought.

Diana was crying her eyes out. Saliva was on the side of her mouth.

"Boo, Boo, I´m such a dis- dis- disgraced woman!"

"Diana… -gasp-… Diana!"

"Shuddup, Bat-Thingy! I´m miken, maiken, making… that´s it! Making! ´M-A-K-I-I-N-N´ a statement here!"

She let him go, and Batman fell to the floor. Again. The second time in three minutes.

Juanito appeared.

"Look, Señorita. Aquí tengo your bottle of white tequila you asked. Hijole!"

"Then pour it on da glass, ya fat f#ck!" Diana growled.

"As you desee, Señorita Maravillosa".

The bartender served her on a glass but Wonder Woman took the bottle from his hands and took it to her mouth. It was empty in four seconds.

Then she belched.

"Dammit! That was funny!" she laughed.

Bruce stood up and looked at Diana.

"Diana, you´re drunk…"

Wonder Woman looked back at him with those incredible blue eyes filled with love and compassion.

"Aw! So, you´re the big freak detective, uh? Fer me you´re nutin´ but a fraud. Yessir, you heard me, bat-eared bastard: You are a freud! A FREUD!"

Diana stopped for a moment. Then she exploded with laughter.

"Afreud of me! You´re afreud of me! Hey, Bartender!..."

"Juanito" the bartender said looking up from behind the bar.

"I don´t care whazzup with your name, you stupid gnat! You give a brewski to my pal, best o´ ol´ times: Rat Man!" Wonder Woman ordered.

Bruce shook his head. He could not believe what was happening. Where was the brave Amazon he respected and cared for?

"I luv ya, ya know that… doncha?" Diana asked.

"I…" Bruce tried to answer.

"I say ´DONCHA?´! Why da ya take so much time to answer ya, ungrateful slob? Burp! "

"Nice." Batman said.

"Shuddup, Bat-bitchy! It´s a natural reaction! wha´? Ya mean ya take a dump and it smell like a lotta roses?"

The bartender served Batman a beer. He took the bottle to his lips and did the mimic, but he did not drink at all.

"SUCK THE DAMN THINGY, YOU WUSS! MAKE YERSELF A MAN!" Diana yelled.

Bruce almost choked on beer and had to cough and raise his arms to gain air again.

"Hey, Bruce!" Diana said.

"Bruce?" Juanito asked Batman.

Bruce rolled his eyes under his cowl and said: "She´s a… uh… Springsteen fan."

"Oh. Bueno. Muy Bueno, Springsteen".

"Yes, yes." Bruce said then he focused back on Diana. He had to take her out of there.

"What´s the deal with peaaaanuts?" Diana asked closing and opening her eyes like there was a strong light bothering her.

"I don´t follow you, Princess."

"Is it a pea or is it a nut? Who are these people?" Diana said.

Batman ´s tone was severe enough.

"These are low life thugs. And that´s Rocco Grannata, a mob informer I´ve been looking for. You knocked him out cold. Why?"

Bruce hand grabbed Diana´s arm. He closed his fingers on her flesh. He was trying to inflict some pain on the Amazon. He was waiting for a reaction.

The reaction came.

"Aw, Gawd! A mosquito!" Wonder Woman shouted . "Take that, ya bitch!" and she hit Bruce´s hand very hard.

"Gimme another Brew! I have to celebrate I offed a damn insect, Jaimico!"

"Juanito."

"Whatever. Gimme da damn brew or I´ll kick your arse so hard I´ll expel you way back to the Marvel Universe, you biotch!"

Bruce stood up for the third time that night and this time he sat at the chair beside her. With a stare Batman sent Juanito to the kitchen. Then he centered his attention on Diana. She was crying again.

"Boo, boo, boo. I´m such a disgrace!"

"Do you want to talk about it, Princess?"

Wonder Women turned and faced him. She grabbed Batman by the back of his head and made him come close to her. Very close. Her lips where almost touching Bruce´s.

"Yes, ya bat-rat! I wanna to talk about us. It´s time for us to tell us all, ya hear?"

Batman tried to remain as calm as possible. That was a very weird situation.

"´Us´?"

Wonder Woman rolled her eyes and smiled with those beautiful red lips of her. He felt desire as soon as she spoke.

"Yeah, ya dummy bat-arse. I wanna tell ya that it´s time for us to tell us all, ya hear?" Diana said.

"You already said tha…"

"DON´T YOU DARE CONTRDICDS… CONTRASDD… CONTRDSSSD… uh… SAY A DIFFERENT THING THAN THE ONE I WAS SAYING BEFORE, YOU BIG, FAT FU…!" Diana growled.

Batman tried a different approach. He could feel the heat coming from her lips. And the stench of her breath.

"Diana I came here tonight looking for Rocco Granatta…"

"Yeah! There he is! He tried to touch my butt! Who the f#ck does he think he is? He kicked him where da sun does not shine so I think he learnt his lesson. I did that fer ya, bat eared creep".

Batman´s mouth opened in amazement.

"What did you say?" He asked.

"Uh…Mmmhh… Bat… eared… Creep! That´s it! Creep!" Diana answered happily.

"No, before that."

Diana ´s face looked suddenly horrified, like she had seen something terrible and macabre. Then her factions relaxed and she touched Batman´s cheek. Such a tender touch made Batman tremble. Then she spoke with the sweetness of a goddess.

"I luv ya, my Rat. My personal pal! Ya know, there´s like these uh… people that gotta personal trainer… I gotta personal pal! Ya! I´ve taken care of that Granatta creep so ya ya … -burp- cannot give me any excuse and now … now…"

Batman nodded. Diana´s eyes were rolling backwards.

"Now what, Princess?" Bruce asked.

"Great Ga.. Great Ga…" Diana mumbled.

"´Gaea´?"

"GAG! Bleeeeeeeurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Wonder Woman vomited all over the place. Bruce could escape from the exorcist–like liquid thanks to his martial art mastery.

"Jumpin´ jeepers that was hilarious!" Wonder Woman said after she had emptied her stomach all over the place.

Bruce walked towards her. He cleaned up her mouth with a napkin while she kept humming Spice Girls´hit "Wannabe". Batman held her up on his arms and put Diana over his shoulder.

"Yer cape it´s so black!" Diana said as Batman took her out of the bar.

The Batmobile was waitin´ outside.

Batman softly put her on the companion seat and took his place behind the wheek. Wonder Woman just did not stop moving.

"Yer car is cool, yeah really cool." Wonder Woman said looking around. "What´s this for?" she asked touching a small switch.

The radio turned on and they heard the latest song of Ricky Martin explode inside the cabin.

"**_ASÍ ES MARIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_!**" Ricky sang.

"Yeah!" Diana said dancing and clapping at the same time.

"Don´t touch anything! You little…" Bruce said with anger while he turned the radio off.

Diana started to cry.

"Ya yell at me! Ya don´t love me at all! I´m old an ugly!"

Batman shook his head.

"Look, look.. I… I´m sorry." he said.

"Ya are?" Diana said stopping her crying and started blinking in amazement like small kids do when they first see Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.

"Yes. I´m going to take you home. Since we are very far away from your island, I´m going to take you to my place. There you can rest all night, Princess."

Diana smirked and small burp came out of her mouth. Then she started laughing.

"Oh, ya pervert! Ya wanna do nasty things to me, ya bat-bitchy!"

Bruce sighed. A very long sigh that was. His patient was up to the limit.

"Let´s go." He said.

The Batmobile roared and the vehicle disappeared down the street.

- - -

"Are we there yet?" Wonder Woman asked.

"No." Batman answered.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Diana looked at the small red sign in front of her.

"Bat… phone" she read.

She chuckled. Batman said nothing, he was watching the road.

"Are we thereeeeeeee… yet?"

"No."

Wonder Woman sighed and snorted. Then she remembered something very important she had to say to Bruce.

"Are we there yet?"

"NOOOO!"

- - -

Batman helped Diana get out of the car.

"Great, _She-ra_! Now, This is a biiig cave… are ya trying to –snort- compensate fer something?"

"I think it´s ´_Hera_´ what you always say. And yes, it´s a big cave but it was already big when I found it" Batman said in a bad mood.

"Aw, ya the big scary ratty! Ya so angry! Ya must learn to loose yerself a little!"

"Yes? How" Batman asked without paying attention.

"Like makin´me mine… I mean.. mean… makin´ me **yours**! C´mon, ya big stud! Ya luv me as much as I luv ya! Whadayasay? Shall we do it or shall we wait for da next friggin´ Crisis?" Diana said.

Bruce did not know what to say. His lips trembled. Then, he found the right answer.

"Princess, you´re drunk. You don´t know what you are saying."

Diana hugged Batman again but this time in a more loving way. She felt his nerves and was aroused by the situation.

"Ya shy shy shy Bat. Doncha worry. I´ll do everything. Tomorrow we can pretend nothing happened. So take off that dirty batsuit and let´s friggin´ do the horizontal mambo!"

Wonder Woman got rid of all her clothes inmediatly. Then, without hesitation, she got rid of Bruce´s suit who little could do to defend himself.

"Now, let´s get it on!" Wonder Woman growled like a lioness in heat.

"Diana, please be gentle!"

"**SHUDDUP, YOU**!

The End


End file.
